Actual call center conversations!

Written by Rebecca Wednesday, 20 January 2010 13:47

Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
                    can you help?'
Operator:      'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:     'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:     'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I  
                   need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and  
                   telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
                   number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
                   traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:     'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries

Caller:  'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:             'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
                           you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:            'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.  So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been
promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was

transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:        'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                        Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                        the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
                       plugged into the wall..
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
                        there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
                        find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
                      the back of your computer..'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:               'No..'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller:               'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark?'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
                        coming in from the window.'
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not?'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it  
                        licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and  
                        packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it  
                         up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
                         the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:           'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:           'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

Santa as 911

Written by B Thursday, 17 December 2009 19:27

Santa Clause As seen from the viewpoint of an Emergency Services Person.

Politically Correct Christmas Party

Written by Crystal Thursday, 10 December 2009 13:43

Subject: Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party

     I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over 5 pounds;$10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
-------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005
RE:: Holiday Party

     In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

------

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

     Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on
a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much
money and Management believe £10.00 is a little
cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Parrty

     What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
     Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - or else package everything up for you
to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to
sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men's table too. To the person asking
permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short
people. Low fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first.. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ******* Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ********* Holiday Party.

     Vegetarian scum, I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get
your ******* salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too,
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive
and die.

The Bitch from h***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

------

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

     I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing
Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

Different Ways To Screw With Santa

Written by B Wednesday, 02 December 2009 11:19

• Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

 

• While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

 

• Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

 

• While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

 

• Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

 

• Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

 

• Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

 

• Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

 

• While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

 

• Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

 

• Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

 

• Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

 

• While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

 

• Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

 

• Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

 

• Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

 

• Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

 

• Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

 

• Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

 

• Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."