Subject: Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party

     I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over 5 pounds;$10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
-------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005
RE:: Holiday Party

     In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

------

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

     Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on
a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much
money and Management believe £10.00 is a little
cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Parrty

     What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
     Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - or else package everything up for you
to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to
sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men's table too. To the person asking
permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short
people. Low fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first.. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ******* Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ********* Holiday Party.

     Vegetarian scum, I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get
your ******* salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too,
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive
and die.

The Bitch from h***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

------

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

     I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing
Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

• Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

• While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

• Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

• While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

• Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

• Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

• Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

• Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

• While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

• Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

• Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

• Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

• While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

• Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

• Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

• Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

• Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

• Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

• Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

• Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

A Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

 a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

I guess those spinners up in Washington really can change a story around.


Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in Montana territory:



On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.



Harry Reid


Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory
. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


For those of you who take things too seriously (or actually believe this) it isnt true.  Funny story, and how a lot of things are written in Washington, but this is just a joke.